Locker room horrors

5 10 2008

Quite some time ago I blogged about some scary sights in the gym’s locker room; Sporadic Tourettes and Tropical Panic.  Perhaps it’s the time of year, but it’s happening again, and in full force.  Inappropriate nakedness from inappropriately naked people.

I get that it’s a gym, and there’s some requirement for being naked during the pre-during-post showering process, but there really is no need to wander around naked UNLESS you’re an Adonis.  Which quite frankly, I’d prefer you didn’t do even then, as I don’t need to be mocked! 😉

Moving right along.  It seems I’m not alone in my observations of the lack of etiquette in this scenario.  Tim Marman’s of Loosely Coupled wrote: An Open Letter on Locker Room Etiquette.  I think it’s hilarious, and very apt.

Here it is for your enjoyment, and of course it comes to you with a big splash of link love.

Tim Marman of Loosely Coupled

An Open Letter on Locker Room Etiquette

To the members of my gym,

I am going to share a few general rules that, if we all follow them, will make the locker room a much more enjoyable place for everyone.

… On your desire to be naked.

Either put some clothes on or wrap yourself in a towel. Unless you’re a woman (and, honestly, from the looks of it, maybe some of you really are), you shouldn’t be prancing around the men’s locker room naked. This rule is even more important if you are fat and/or old.

Look – if I wanted to see a naked fat man, I would look in a mirror in the privacy of my own home.

And if you must insist on walking around naked, there are a few things you could at least refrain from doing.

First of all, please fight the urge to stretch. I don’t know what your trainer told you, but you won’t get a better hamstring stretch by being naked. The sight of a fat, old naked man touching his toes is one that no one should be subjected to.

Also, please stay out of the sauna and steam room when you are naked. This isn’t your home. Even if you feel the need to be "unsheathed", you can at least sit on a towel. Honestly, I don’t need your bare ass all over the sauna.

… On using the bathroom

It seems some of you feel the need to do your nastiest work in the locker room bathroom. I guess if you have to go, you have to go, and running on the treadmill only expedites the process.

But at least wash your damned hands afterwards. Seriously, is that too much to ask?

I still can’t understand why you don’t wash your hands in normal situations, but this environment calls for even greater care. I don’t need you taking a nasty dump and then touching the weights. Oh, and if you were wondering, this is why I said "no" when you asked if you could work in on the machine.

… On using the hair dryer

Repeat after me: The hair dryer is for the hair on your head. The hair dryer is not for your pubic hair.

It is also not for your feet, regardless of how hairy they may be.

… On your choice of lockers

It seems almost inevitable that when there are two people in the locker room, they will be at adjacent lockers. If it works out that way, there’s not much we can do about it.

You can, however, help prevent this unfortunate situation when you walk into an otherwise empty locker room – don’t pick the locker next to me. I have to tell you – when you do, it’s a bit creepy.

… On use of the hamper (or the lack thereof)

The bins with all the dirty towels are hampers. Please use them. I’d rather not have to touch the dirty towel you just dried your ass, feet and unwashed hands with.