Please! Don’t let it be Goodbye!

9 11 2008

This is my last full day at home in Melbourne.  I fly back to Seattle tomorrow at midday.

Quite frankly I don’t want to leave.  The timing couldn’t be worse, and I can quite frankly state that I’m supremely unhappy, and if not for having purchased discount flights that can’t readily be changed, I’d be prolonging my stay.

My Dad has cancer.  I’ll probably get in trouble for stating this fact in such a public forum.  As a family we’re quite private, we deal with our issues as a unit, rarely relying on others, but now, I’m not too proud to state whether for myself or on behalf of my family, that this is a time that pride is uncalled for, we need each other, and our friends.
The contradiction, and part that may sound ungrateful is dealing with people’s sympathy.  It’s horrible, I feel awful stating it, but I know I’m not alone, so many people will echo my thoughts, it’s hard enough dealing with an emotional trial as it is, and as much as people mean well, when you’re trying desperately to hold yourself together, it’s too hard not to fall apart when someone says they’re sorry for the situation.

I’m keenly aware that we’re not alone, there are many people suffering from Cancer and other illnesses, and some in more dire predicaments, but it doesn’t change the raw emotions that we’re feeling.

Mark and I have been through this before in the not too distant past when his father battled and lost his fight with Cancer a little over four years ago, so I know that Mark and his family understand what we’re going through.   The part that I really hate is that I’m going to be so far away.

My finger is going to be very firmly placed on the speed dial for a travel agent, should I need to be back in Australia, I’ll be on the first available flight back.

I’m already struggling with the fact that I’m leaving, I want to stay.  The reality is that right now, there’s absolutely nothing I can do.  Add to that, and this is news to most, Mark and I purchased a house recently in Redmond, that we’ll be moving into very shortly, so I need to get back for a short time for that as well.

My family have assured me that I’m doing the right thing by returning, and that they’ll let me know the very second I need to be back.  That doesn’t change the fact that I have a feeling of absolute dread, in fact I’m terrified that things change, and sometimes rapidly, that I may not be here when I need to be, and if that happens, I’ll never forgive myself.  Ever.

I’ve been back for a month, I had plans of spending time with my family, and catching up with my friends.  The catching up with friends portion of my trip was severely curtailed.  I know that my friends understand my reasons, I wish I had more time, but I made the decision to spend as much time with my family as I could.  Time is a luxury, something we all take for granted.  I just hope there’s more time, much more time.

It’s silly, the hardest thing to say right now, especially to my parents face, is that I love them.  They know it, I know it, but it’s such a hard thing to say, especially when emotions are so strung out already.

As far as parents go, I’m supremely fortunate.  They’ve stood by me through everything, even when I know in my heart that on some level I disappointed them, they were always there for me, and I’ve always been there for them.  Even on the days when we’ve been angry at each other.  Fortunately such moments of anger have been brief, and trivial.  One thing that I’ve learnt as I’ve gotten older, is that in close relationships, if you have the passion to be angry at someone, there’s a strong bond.  People’s actions can anger you, true passion in anger, however fleeting, is too closely attached to a strong love.  I’m starting to ramble now, I’m keenly aware of it.  This post is a candid window into my life, I’m usually a little more restrained in my entries.  Right now I just don’t have the energy for it.  As a family we’re hurting, and yet we’re also pulling together for one of the hardest trials we’ve faced yet.

It’s rare that I ever cry, few people have witnessed it, but I’m crying now.  I’m not religious, but if there was any time I wished for a miracle.  Today is it.

Today is going to be so terribly difficult.  I hate goodbyes, I despise them, I have always preferred to say “See you soon”, Goodbye is too final.  I desperately hope that today is a “See you soon”.



2 responses

10 11 2008


I know how you’re feeling, I’ve been there myself. I know how you say that all of those people who say, “I’m sorry,” just can’t possibly understand how you feel or what you’re going through. You know what? It’s true, because we each work things out in our own way. BUT… Try to think of all those little “I’m sorry’s” as a hand on your back or on your elbow propping you up so you can continue to be vigilant for your family. You’ll know who’s close to you and who you can let it all out to, but the “I’m sorry’s” are meant in good faith too.

Safe flight home, eh?

10 11 2008

Sh*t. I’m so sorry you have to bear this pain. You’re making me cry too.

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