Seniors Moment

28 05 2009

This one comes courtesy of my Mum.  I found it while sifting through my email looking for statements for my Tax return, a much appreciated diversion.


An elderly lady  actually wrote this letter to her bank. The bank manager thought it amusing  enough to have it published in The Times and this newspaper thanks  him most sincerely.

Dear Sir,

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three ‘nanoseconds’ must have elapsed between his  presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to  honour it.

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my  Pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight  years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of  opportunity, and also for debiting my account
£30 by way of penalty for the  inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial  ways.

I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.  My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and  hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal  Act for any other person to open such an envelope.
Please find  attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete.  I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as  much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be  countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.
I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled  it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account  balance on your phone bank service.  As they say, imitation is the sincerest  form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further.  When you  call me, press buttons as follows:

1–  To make an appointment  to see me.
2–  To query a missing payment.
3–  To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4–  To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5–  To transfer the call to  my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6–  To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7–  To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is required.  A password will be  communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized  Contact.)
8–  To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1  through 8
9– To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then  be put on hold, pending the  attention of my automated answering service.
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new  arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.

Your Humble Client

Addendum from The  Editor:
IMPORTANT to REMEMBER that this letter was  written by a lady who is a 98 year old woman; DOESN’T SHE MAKE YOU  PROUD!!!?