Detox Day 1 – Welcome to Hell

15 10 2009

Well this morning is the start of what should be a 10 day de-tox.  Through recommendation and research I chose to do the Master Cleanse De-Tox, also known as The Master Cleanse Diet, or the Lemonade Diet.

From what I’ve heard, seen and read it’s quite a stringent process, but results are amazing, and as I’m at a place where I want to kick start my fitness and diet again after more than 12 months hiatus, I figured this would a good place to start.

So this morning is where it all begins.

For the next 10 days I’ll be on a purely liquid diet, consisting of copious amounts of water, something I’d kill for right now but I’ll explain why in a moment.  Grade B Maple Syrup, Freshly squeezed lemon juice and cayenne pepper.

Oh, now for the fun parts.  As part of the “flushing” process, and due in some part to the low levels of solid matter and fibre, I have to consume a laxative tea.  The irony of the purchase didn’t escape me.  It’s called Smooth Move, and is a nutty chocolate flavour.  A description that instantly reminded me of the stool sample scene in Austin Powers – ugh!
The other part is a daily salt water flush.  This is the part I’ve heard about, the part that everyone dreads, and as of 10 minutes ago I drank my first one.

The saltwater flush is 1 litre of lukewarm water with 2 teaspoons or 1 tablespoon of non-iodised salt.   I thought it’d be easy, I’d convinced myself it would be.
Then I started drinking it.  The first few mouthfuls were easy, and I made sure they were BIG mouthfuls to speed the process along.  Then I tried to convince myself that it was a salty chicken noodle broth, without the noodles.  That worked for a couple more mouthfuls.

Then I stalled.

Fortunately, I’d read that someone else found that if they stood in front of a mirror to drink it as a personal challenge, they could get it done.  So I tried that.  I’m not so sure it made it any easier, but I did get it down.

Now it gets really fun.  The instructions warn, that since the ingestion of a large amount of liquid saline which is of a similar gravity to your own body, that there’s nothing there for you to digest.  Which only means that within 15-60 minutes it’s all going to be expelled.

Perhaps I’m being negative, but I’ve already ensured there’s plenty of toilet paper in place.  I also took heed of the warning from someone else who’s already experienced this flush, and that is:  DO NOT FART! 

LOL!  The follow up warning was, that regardless of how much you think it may just be gas, you’re very likely to need a change of underwear if you don’t heed the warning.

It all sounded like a brilliant plan up until now.  It’s been perhaps 10 minutes and I can already feel a slight gurgling going on, and all Iwant to do is drink some more water to take away the salty after taste of the initial flush.  But there’s no more room in my body (at the moment) for more liquid.

Providing I survive this first morning and the salt flush, I still have to make up the Lemonade for the day.  A spicy lemonade containing spring / filtered water, maple syrup, lemon juice and cayenne pepper.

Right now though, I’m going to sit down for a little while, try not to think about salt water, and most positively, NOT FART!

Welcome to the new adventure into crazy that is my life.  Too much free time, and I start to experiment.  I’m even considering botox, not for vanity reasons, I just want to try it.  The idea of parylising part of ones face just intrigues me.

See?  Too much free time!