YOU know you’re from Melbourne if (part II) …
■ You think the Queen Vic Market opening hours are normal.
■ The sight of kids in pyjamas, dressing gowns and slippers in the street makes you immediately think of the Myer Christmas windows.
■ You’re more impressed by someone telling you they’re a barista than a barrister.
■ You subscribe to The Monthly but don’t read it, only buy The Big Issue if people are watching and have a RRR sticker on your car but you’ve been listening to the ABC since you moved out of share-houses.
■ You’ve read The Slap and hate every character in it. But they remind you of your friends.
■ You would have slapped the kid too.
■ You own a tagine, a poffertje iron and a pasta maker. And have never used any of them.
■ You haven’t paid for a ticket on tram in 10 years but you’d pay double if they reintroduced connies.
■ Your three favourite words are: ”Tullamarine, thanks driver.”
■ The last place you’d go for pizza is Lygon Street.
■ You don’t mind graffiti as long as it’s spelt correctly and uses appropriate grammar while sticking it to the man – and is written by a woman.
■ You’ve stepped on an ”emo” walking into Flinders Street station while you were both texting.
■ Whelan the Wrecker, Harry the Hirer, Peter the Possum Man, The Tint Professor, The Dashboard Doctor, The Swagman and Stephanie Alexander all seem like members of the family.
■ You feel sorry for Geelong.
■ Laneways full of people sitting on milk crates eating breakfast at 3pm seems normal.
■ You’ve lived in London, been to conferences in Paris, holidayed in Rome and know New York like the back of your hand, but you’ve never seen the penguins at Phillip Island.
■ You can sing the jingle for Car City.
■ You think a massage with a happy ending means when you’re finished they give you a cafe latte and a Readings voucher.
■ The fact there’s a Chardonnay Crescent and Champagne Road in Chirnside Park reinforces your suspicion that Kath and Kim is a documentary.
■ You hope the Southern Star wheel never gets fixed because if it stays broken we can call it an installation.
■ You take Japanese students to the Coburg drive-in for the cultural experience.
■ Your husband wears a sarong, is in a book group and uses moisturiser. But you call him your partner, because you’re not married or you don’t want people to think you are.
■ Your wife grows the hair under her arms but waxes elsewhere. Partner. Whatever.
■ South Melbourne Market means only one thing: giant chicken dim sims.
■ You know Richmond’s postcode is 3121. And Channel Nine’s address is 22 Bendigo Street.
■ You hate it when they shoot a car chase in Melbourne and Sydney and the editing jumps between the two cities. Like we won’t notice.
■ The Ringwood-Frankston bypass. Do we really want to encourage these people to breed?
■ You’ve never solved the mystery of how WEG always correctly predicted who would win the grand final when he drew his grand final souvenir poster.
■ You have a friend in a band. Or who says they’re in a band.
■ You know the difference between Carlton and North Carlton, Heidelberg and West Heidelberg and Malvern and East Malvern is about $120,000.
■ You know drunk women wearing fascinators staggering around the city with their shoes slung over their shoulder means Oaks day has turned into Dog Day Afternoon.
■ Your favourite joke is Pakenham Upper.
■ You love that only Melbourne people will get this quiz.
